If you’re the sort of person who has more experience queuing overnight to buy trainers than talking to the opposite sex then you’re probably sick of flexing in your waviest garms with nothing but your own shallow materialism for company. After watching mugs who shop at Topman find love and happiness from things that don’t cost a month’s rent you might even start thinking that maybe there’s more to life than buying, talking about and taking pictures of really fucking expensive clothes. It’s time to find someone to share selfies and emojis with before you resign yourself to a lifetime of miserable, swagged up loneliness.
It’s not that easy finding someone who doesn’t think you’re mental for spending £200 on a pair of trainers like the rest of the human race does though. To get the streetwear babe of your dreams you’ll need something neither #dope, #heat nor #trill – real life social skills. Just cos you’ve got 3103 Instagram followers and that picture you posted on Tumblr of some Nikes you don’t own is still getting bare reblogs it doesn’t mean you’re not a socially awkward melt IRL so here’s a High Society guide to getting some of that #essential streetwear buff ting.
MEET & GREET
If you’re a stylist, photographer, designer or have a mate who knows someone who has a blog then you might be allowed to join the streetwear illuminati at a sample sale, launch party or trade show. You won’t know anyone there and everyone will be too busy networking to talk to you, but these things are always flowing with free booze so lubricating the old chirpse muscles won’t be hard as long as you don’t mind artisan craft ales and European herbal liqueurs.
That well fit Canadian-Japanese interior design blogger from Zurich you’re talking to might even think that you’re not a trainer-obsessed neek for a few minutes before she’s whisked away by the marketing director of a Norwegian lifestyle boutique in a puff of incandescent, electric and opalescent Comme Des Garcons fragrance. Nurse your bruised ego and seek comfort talking about lacing methods and appropriate ways to pin roll jeans with some fellow streetwear tag alongs, sorry, ‘heads’, that also managed to blag their way in.
At a party
If you’ve been completely rinsed in the street culture colosseum then its time try things at a more level playing field – a house party. Streetwear nerds will be intimidated by the amount of people who think your Jordans are just normal Nikes and don’t know what an A$AP Rocky is, but use this to your advantage by turning on the mysterious tastemaker-trendsetter-influencer vibes and sulk in the corner checking Instagram and watch the gals flock to you. If basking in the glow of possessing some serious sneaker heat and no social skills whatsoever doesn’t work out you might start thinking that actually having a personality is more important than Tier Zero OG Retro Hyperfuse Quickstrike SP sneaker heat. Fear not though cos there’s a way to get dates in the Hypebeast generation’s natural habitat – online.
Like going on eBay after failing to cop those trainers that were slightly different to the ones that came out last month, this is a last resort – if you’re gonna use a mobile dating app to get matched with some boom ting then you’ll have to be patient. Swiping past endless girls who don’t know Tier Zero from Johnson’s No More Tears will be demoralising, but hold tight and you can probably find someone who is at least into Odd Future and has a few Carhartt beanies. Don’t even think about using Tinder if you live in southwest London though – the only collabs Ophelia, Beatrix and Romily care about this season is the one with their 21st birthday, daddy’s credit card and a Range Rover Sport.
FLEX YOUR RELEVANCE
If there’s one thing people find attractive it’s incessantly taking photos of your clothes so after trawling the depths of the internet to find the hipster of your dreams, it’s time for a social media campaign of #fitpics, #selfies and #outfitgrids. Flex your relevance by showing off the items that are #essential to your busy life as a street culture tastemaker / Urban Outfitters sales assistant (iPhone, double macchiato, phone charger, 9 pairs of Air Max 1s) and watch the likes roll in. If you get to the next level and actually manage to persuade someone that spending some real life free time with you is a good idea then you need to impress them with some serious #swag. Put on your finest garms and watch as your date is awestruck by your carefully curated juxtaposition of high/low, street/menswear and smart/casual. Just dress like a fucking bellend basically. You could even take some streetstyle photos with the DSLR you definitely have and definitely can’t be arsed working out how to use.
Go to a museum/gallery
If you’re expecting somewhere like the Tate Modern to have any Kaws collectibles or Supreme artist decks then prepare to be disappointed – it’ll be boring as fuck and the people there will probably shop at American Apparel but while you’re there you can at least pretend you’re not just a cultureless idiot who spends too much money on clothes. While your date is appreciating Miyako Ishiuchi’s haunting photographic account of urban Japan get on Instagram and show everyone how #inspired and #moved you are by that Jean Miró painting of a woman or dog or flowers or whatever the fuck it is. If she ain’t impressed by your suggestion that sneaker art is actually a more #relevant art form, then there’s plenty more fish in the sea.
If things get serious and it looks like you’re gonna be entertaining at your place then you need to have some proper interior shit going on and that means one thing – scented candles. If your date cares about shit like the humanitarian crisis in Syria or global warming then you’ll probably need something from the Body Shop, but for someone who cares about important things like flyknit technology and Japanese selvedge denim then nothing less than dropping 50 quid on a Baxter of California candle will do. I don’t know what patchouli, vetiver or bergamot are, let alone what the fuck they smell like, but if Hypebeast has taught us anything it’s that the key to getting laid is spending bare p on expensive shit that you don’t want or need. If you can’t afford that then APC offer £30 struggle candles for all you minimum wage retail peasants out there.
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